"Soy yo quién te busco en cada instante...busco la vida..."

Ha ha, I just realised it's been just over a YEAR AGO that I last posted in this God-forsaken journal...is anyone still out there? Is anyone still interested in listening to my bullshit!?

:-D Love always,

Justin Spencer Röck

Click the photo of the baby and prepare to be stunned by the cuteness! (An understanding of Spanish would also help you get the most out of it!)

After signing into MySpace for the fifth time today, I happen to catch a quick glance of my "Top 8" friends on my friends list. It occured to me that these are the ones I consider myself closest to, and yet, I have fallen so far out of touch with most of them I feel as if I don't know them anymore. The feeling only deepens when I open up and view my friends list in its entirety.

This has been a rough few weeks for me on the topic of friends. I've been fired from GEICO where I had marvelous friends that looked out for me and dealt with my shenanigans for over a year. They're no longer in the picture. I have also gotten another job serving at Chili's, and I've made similar, if not more profound friendships with that crew. What hurts me the most is that my best friend of five years (you all should know who he is) has given me the cold shoulder since he met his new "live-in" boyfriend a few months ago. What's more is that he has threatened to take me to court for money I "owe" him. To save myself from having to type out the whole story, I'll just say it breaks my heart to know that the person I've long considered myself closest to would lie to me, betray me, and then try to pin the consequences of his bad decisions on me.

On that note, I've acquired a severe anger towards money. Money strains relationships of all sorts, has people killed, and causes rogues to call my house to snatch up the small bit of it I'm earning right now. Ugh. There is so much more to life than this bullshit...this false idyll of the "American Dream" in which one is supposed to go through school, buy a house in the suburbs where he or she can park a new car is just bullshit. The American Dream is now nothing more than a series of depressors and expecations put forth by our predecesors and big corporations. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm not one to oft quote the Bible, but I truly believe "money is the root of all evil."

Those of you reading this that have known me for some time now should know that I have long struggled with self-esteem. Up until this past month, I was doing well: I was sure of myself, able to look in the mirror without cringing, and had the confidence to get my life back on track. Now, I have returned to avoiding mirrors and most reflective surfaces, am slowly losing focus on my goals, and just have this overwhelming sense of solitude...I feel so alone...

...which brings me to another topic. I would give anything right now to find a good guy that can deal with my bitchiness and peaves, and that doesn't expect anything out of dating me other than, primarily, my affection. It seems that every time I meet a guy, we become acquainted by him asking me a series of questions in the following fashion:

Step 1: "Hey there. What's your name?"
Step 2: "How old are you?"
Step 3: "You live alone?"
Step 4: "When are we going to fuck?"

I have to admit, sometimes I am responsible for the deflation after meeting a guy. I have my drunken nights where I meet someone and later find myself spooning with them. All of that is fine and dandy, but one of the parties always seems to cross the line; either he grabs me down there or I grab him back there and the rest is slutty history. I am so tired of the game...

Now that this has gotten quite long, I'll have to stop thinking about this and save the self-torture for another day. I would just like some sort of reassurance...that my "friends" care and are there for me, that I am not "hideous", that I do deserve "a good guy", and that everything will be "peachy keen". I am becoming desperate for that reassurance.

Help me.

Todos vosotros me podéis chupar un cojón...

Does anyone have any idea why my ex, Matt, spent two months in jail? He talks about it in his MySpace blog, but no specifics. C'mon, private eyes, help a brotha out...

Oh, and I still want a boyfriend. Now accepting applications...

I want a boyfriend...more than ever.

Beer makes Justin skanky.

And um, totally unrelated, George Michael's newest dance CD is über-fabulous...

Oh, and Kevin...BEBOT, BEBOT, BE- BEBOT, BE- BE-, FILIPINO!

It never fails to amuse me how, in Virginia in Spring, one must go from HEAT to A/C back to HEAT all in one day whilst driving. Hm.

On another note, I received a phone call earlier this afternoon from my long lost love, GABRIEL IVORRA, who lives in Alicante, Spain. (Which is going to cost me a fortune; muchísimas gracias, Gabi...) I don't know how it arose, but somewhere in our conversation, I was talking about how fed up I am with living here, going nowhere. That was met with him half-jokingly proposing, "I could marry you and make you a citizen...we could live together in my house in Alicante..."

Why did I stop and actually think about this?

I mean, for Christ's sake, I'd be married to a Spaniard, which is a dream-come-true in itself...and I'd actually be LIVING in SPAIN! Buggery bollocks, I am so tempted. OOOOH, my God, if only it were that easy.

MUAH, un beso...os quiero mucho.